TWIST!

i come and go
over and over and over
i guess this is one of the very few places where i enjoy writting down pointless crap for the world to see.

go xanga!
ha!

not even my notebooks.. maybe i gotta find a different size.
maybe.
possibly maybe.. very bjork!

i guess that aside from me, my head and my thoughts
this city is whats keeping me away from the smiles and the laughter.
i cannnot say that i hate everything about eveyrthing
i do enjoy certain things that life kindly offers me from time to time
i cannot say that i havent met people who have shown me things that made me smile.
i do have some kick ass friends, if i may say so.  haha
i feel better being around people.
i think i would probably die if i spent all day with myself.
im a destroyer
of nothing but myself.

kill kill kill kill

not literally.. obviously.

i cannot find the answer to all of the questions that pop into my head.
why? WHY? why?! why?!!?why why whyw whyw why why why

why cant i be a normal human being?
i guess sometimes being an alien from far away really turns out to be a disadvantage.
ha! i wonder which planet i come from?

one of my patients told me hes from another planet
and that he owns a rocketship... ¨please take me for a spin!¨
hahahaa hes fucking awesome.

ive said my goodbyes to lsd.
for good.
you know, some drugs simply werent made for you.
mdma is quite nice.
ill stick to abstinence though.
i have found that substances of any kind really create  an earthquake within you.
i couldnt sleep for a entire week!!
dark thoughts overwhelmed me, everything turned dark.
omg.. terrible week.
exam week i might add.
ajsndsnda

anyways, so goodbye for life!
peace out yo! ETC
hahaha

i thought i was gonna die from this stupid gay-ass swin flu bullshit!
but.. turns out.. i just had a REALLY bad hangover haha
god damn!

i watched ¨death proof¨again today.
oh my god.. some crazy shots!
the accidente scene nearly gave me a heart attack!

¨cashback¨is nothing but love love lovelove love love love
the word ¨crush¨in both of its meanings.
i love you ben.
and i also wish i could stop time and be a witness of the pause of a moment.
woooooow

i seriously blame de swine flu... for those who dont know, or maybe im only talking to myself...
but in any case!.. everything is dead in the city, nothing is open and it seems like the end of time is quite near.
i wonder if the world will end soon?
what will the last few days be like?
i dont know

i think ive been watching way too many movies.
i wish i lived in one.
with different endings
perhaps, different beginings...
i wish for a new life....
me in a different place.
i cant even imagine what my life would be like if i had been born somwhere else.
i could´ve had everything
i could´ve had nothing.
flip the coin!

BINGO!

i wish i had a different life.
i wish i couldve been a rock star
i wish i couldve been a dancer
i wish i couldve been a painter
i wish i couldve been the president.. hahaha okay no, i dont actually wish that.

i miss toronto.
with every part of me.
i hate missing and thinking of what could have been.
i cant stop.

oh! i also would´ve loved to be a dj!
or a violinist
or a singer..

C U N T

R E A L I T Y

what movie should i watch tomorrow?

im thinking pulp fiction.. just for kicks.

yeaaaaa...

suddenly the urge to write has faded away
nothing but fog fill smy head
my thoughts get lost in the air.. they fly away
come back, and leave again...

i wonder why its so difficult to put them in  order?
why can´t i stop them from popping into my head?
in and out... in and out... in and out...
they never seem to make sense.. at all.

i also wonder why physical appearance is so important?
why would anyone prefer to be with someone who is hot
rather than to be with someone who maybe isnt as hot, but who is simply beautiful on the inside.

i guess people choose not to see whats inside everyone,
but rather,whats on the ouside.
i guess its easier that way.

i hate how im always freaking out.
i hate how i care so much about what people say or think about me
i hate how i can´t control my thoughts
i hate how i keep doubting about you
i hate how people can mess up with my plans... but more than that, i hate that i let them do it.

shit.

you should always listen to your heart.
but what happens when your head is making so much noise that listening to your heart is practically impossible?
oh yea,impossible  is simply not posible.

why do i think like this?

......sudden loss of inspiration.....

NAIVE

smoking weed is awesome
you can see some pretty awesome things.
i like to look around.. and thank whoever for my eye sight
as well as my hearing
as well as being able to feel textures and shapes.
i guess those are my favourite..

sight.. well it´s obvious... i couldn´t imagine not being able to stare right into the sky
day or night
sunny or cloudy...

hearing.... i just could not imagine what life would be like if i couldn´t hear music
or someone´s voice
or mine.

i guess that i narrowed it down to those two... and at the end...
i think i choose being able to see.
i can´t imagine what it´s like not to see..
is it dark?
you couldn´t know what the noon looks like.. or even your own face..
holy shit...

so finally a good weekend!

oh shit.. i wanted to write this down first.
so i was high driving in my car when i saw a man.
a man, he was somewhat old, a bit fat and had a moustache
he was looking at a stereo throught the window of the store.
he stood there and just looked at it..
i dont know.. i loved the scene, it made me feel something right away.
if i had a camera i would´ve taken a picture just so i could remember what i saw.

someone once told met hat the greatest sound is
..the sound of nothing.
and i fucking agree.

i finally feel good about myself
not internally.. but i´m starting to really like my face.

i suppose that sharing a life with someone you love is probably the best way to live.
but is that possible for everyone?
my answer is no.
sadly, i don´t bvelive that´s a posible option for me.
and i´m not saying this like other girls, who just look for some kind of self pity or something.
i truly believe that ever lasting love is not available for everybody
and at the moment, i don´t believe is available for me either.

i´m starting to understand what you meant when you said
¨i love music¨
i do too, i wish ihad known this before...
i wish i could sing through life...

i also wish i was in london right now.

------

it does suck when you used to really know someone, and when topics for conversation were never necessary
...and now all you can say is ¨hello¨

i really fucking love you A
and it truly sucks not having anything to say whenever we run into each other.

such an ugly thing, someone so beautiful...